Hellsing vs the Grinch That Stole Christmas
by Urwen
Summary: The title must be self-explanatory. Warning: This poetry is truly, absolutely appalling. The subject matter is also atrocious and tacky. Read at your own risk. P.S. Happy Yule.


Terrible Hellsing Christmas Doggerel. Probably contains spoilers  
Please don't shoot me.

Yrs,

Cpt. U. K. S, CJD, KipCBE

-------------------------------

Twas the night before christmas  
He stepped in through the door  
Most of the Hellsing soldiers  
Were passed out on the floor

He stepped everso daintily  
O'er an AK47  
Most of the Hellsing soldiers  
Were dreaming of whorish heaven

And over to the tree he went  
Underneath which were the presents  
The sound of all the snoring  
Really wasn't very pleasant.

He gathered up all the presents  
And off away did flee  
Dragging a sack behind him  
And chuckling with glee

Sergeant Campbell, new from Glasgow  
Sensed something was amiss  
Awoke from his sweet dreaming  
Of bonnie lasses to kiss

'Ye scunners!' The sergeant bellowed  
As he scratched hard at his crotch  
"Which one o' ye lazy gits  
Is on the christmas tree watch?"

"Ye lazy pile o' saesenachs!"  
"The sergeant, angry, cried  
Asleeping at yer posts?  
Where's a' yer regimental pride?"

"We'd best be fetchin' mistress."  
Said Corporal MacDuff.  
"Some bastard while we's dozing  
Nicked off wi the presents and stuff.."

And so eventually down the stairs  
In her stripy dressing gown  
Came Sir Integra Hellsing  
With her brows creased in a frown.

"There had better be a reason  
why you dragged me out of bed  
Or soon you'll find my vampire servants  
Playing with your head."

"Was he seen?" She soon enquired.  
"The dastardly perpetrator?"  
"Nae, ma'am." Said the sergeant  
"Was was a' oot on thae floor"

"No matter." Said Sir Hellsing  
With most hideous a smile  
"In this crisp cold air he'll leave a scent trail"  
"That can be tracked for many a long mile."

"Alucard! Seras!  
I demand you come here."  
In two puffs of darkness  
The vampires appeared.

"There is far more to this  
Than simple thievery.  
Those were no ordinary presents  
Underneath the Hellsing tree."

"In those boxes and those packages  
That you guarded oh so well  
Were enough guns and explosives  
To blow entire cities to hell"

"Working SA80 rifles  
A great rarity  
That new ICBM  
Jack Straw promised me."

"For services rendered  
The Vampire Alucard  
From H.M. at Buck. Palace  
A medal and card."

"Explosive quicksilver  
cluster bomb shells  
A "Feyd-Rautha" cannon  
For Seras as well."

"Oh no." Said poor Seras  
With tears in her eyes  
"That would have been  
Such a lovely surprise"

Appearing from no-where,  
Rubbing chin thoughtfully  
A cold-eyed vampire butler  
Regarded the tree

"The sharp smell of cordite  
We'll easily follow  
I suggest we get going  
If we're to be back by tomorrow."

Three clouds of black substance  
Flew o'er hill and dale  
Leaving Santa and his reindeer  
All shaking and pale.

They traced that green meanie  
To his mountain lair  
But when they all caught him  
No presents were there.

The terrified grinch  
They tied up with wires  
"What's been done with the presents?"  
Walter politely enquired.

He cried "I put them under  
The Who-ville Christmas Tree!  
They're set to explode  
At a quarter to three!"

"I'm sick of all the noises  
And I'm sick of the fun!  
This time I will blow those Whos  
Away to kingdom come!"

"A creature after my own heart." Alucard mused.  
Making Seras at him frown  
Walter rolled his eyes. "I suppose..  
We had better save that town."

A cloud of bats descended on  
the christmas tree en masse  
I wouldn't have looked out of place  
In the Nightmare Before Christmas

The presents all surrounded a  
Block of ticking dynamite  
In another five minutes the citizens of Whoville  
Would get an awful fright

They wondered how to diffuse it?  
Which wire would do the job?  
Then Alucard reached out  
And stuffed the bomb into his gob.

He grinned like he'd invented  
A new and wondrous game  
There was a muffled boom and then  
He belched a gout of flame.

The other two put their hands together  
And gave polite applause  
They gathered up the presents and they  
Left without a pause.

There was celebration and carousing  
At the Hellsing house that night  
The vampires had saved christmas  
And everything was now all right.

And what of the Grinch, did he run away  
As fast as he was able?  
Perhaps, but there was a strange new dish  
On Hellsing's christmas table.


End file.
